me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
You Might Also Like
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.