The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
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Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Spider-cat: No One Home
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good