Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
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For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂