*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
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Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
I didn’t realize that was an option
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Bringing home a sharpie
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]