INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
You Might Also Like
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Me My dog
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.