Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
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[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.