Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
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Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.