*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
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[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*