Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
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Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said