doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
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Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.