I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
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When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
“you recording!?”
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t