REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
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You know…for fall…
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.