My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
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Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be