The morning after pill, but for tweets
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Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
(2022)
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
bury ourselves