I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
become ungovernable
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.