60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
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[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
dream blunt rotation
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain