LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
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Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”