“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
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the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”