REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
calling in to work dehydrated
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.