Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
You Might Also Like
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Doggies just call it style.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?