4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
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I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.