Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
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Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.