3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
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Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit