waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
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Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”