I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
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Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
(Musicians.)
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Always 🥴
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.