Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
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[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.