God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
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worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*