Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
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imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..