With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
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[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁