Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.