My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
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Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
a lot to unpack here
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.