Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
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I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
This a good idea
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”