My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
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I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
is this a warning or an offer?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]