Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
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Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem