*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
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Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
Phonetics
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”