Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
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Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
that de-escalated quickly
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
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Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D