I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
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Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.