Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
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[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Plumber: I think I found the problem
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*