YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
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Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Real House Wines.
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.