My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
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Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
worst…sale…ever
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.