hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
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Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
found this cool rock hiking today
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG