Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
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I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.