Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
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“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
God, I love Scotland
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard