I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Don’t we all.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.