Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
another case of gang violins
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship