Donating blood today to make room for more food
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Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?