“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
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You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.