“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
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if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Was it something I said?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!