All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
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Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Don’t snitch tag.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
And bowling should be called pinball
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December