Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.